fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Randomize
