i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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