just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
