im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
