Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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