ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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