He uses pillows to masturbate.
I've blown a few things in my day
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
