The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize