How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
