All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
