So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
