We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
