i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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