I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
