Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
