Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
