we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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