i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
