so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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