oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
