I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
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i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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