It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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