I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
