I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
