Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
