im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
