Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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