turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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