i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
