So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
