Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
