I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
