Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
