Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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