you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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