Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.