bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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