: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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