It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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