i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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