So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's blow job season.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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