Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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