I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
