She is in my trunk
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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