I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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