I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
