I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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