He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
