What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
