We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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