I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
