Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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