It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
