How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
