just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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