I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
