I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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